10 things you have heard about India: Just Myths or Stark Reality?

chillibreeze writer — Gautam Raja

So you’re traveling to India, the land of myth and foible. You’ve done your research, you’ve had your shots, you’ve learned how to say “No” in seven Indian languages. But India has a surprise around every pile of rubble, and around every overgrown bush. Here are 10 myths you’ve conquered... you think!

1. India is one huge country

You’ve cracked this most basic myth haven’t you? You’ve learned to approach India as a continent rather than a country. You’ve broken it up – first into north and south, and then into states, cultures, languages.

And then you enter Karnataka and find somebody speaking, not Kannada, not Hindi, not Konkani, not Tulu, but a whole new language called Kodavatakku.

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2. India is hot

You’re moving to Bangalore. Nice move. Okay, it gets hot, but never ‘heat and dust’ hot. And if it ever gets unbearable, the rains always oblige. Bangalore is beautiful and cool after the rain.

3. India is spiritual

Goes without saying. Land of the vedas, yoga, karma and meditation.

And then you come here and meet the Indian Government Official. There’s nothing spiritual about a system that needs money for every move. There’s nothing otherworldly about men who need to be bribed just to do their job.

And when you discover that through inattention they’ve lost everything you’ve given them, they look to the sky. They say it’s written in your fate. They tell you not to get angry – what’s done is done. It may be your karma. God put it on your forehead at birth. You are insignificant – it was to happen. It’s probably happened for the best. Learn and move on. Become a better person. Oh, and while you’re at it, apply for replacement passports. India is indeed spiritual!

4. India is filled with nasty disease-carrying insects

Okay, there are mosquitoes. But you know the drill: deet repellents, sprays and maybe even a mosquito net.

Then, as you sit down in the restroom, a panicked periplaneta americana (that’s whacking great cockroach to you and me) leaves its sewery footprints across your back.

5. The water will kill you

You know the safe word: Bisleri. You don’t go anywhere without a bottle of mineral water clasped in your hands.

And then you read about an entire industry that has sprung up re-bottling “mineral” water from railway station taps. In “sealed” Bisleri bottles.

6. It’s a country of faded splendor

You’ve read all the guidebooks, seen the beautiful photographs. You know the glory that remains. After all, the awe those monuments inspire is shiny and new.

Then you go in for a closer look. You find that Raju loves Shoba so much, he needs to write it everywhere he goes. And his brother Ramu, well he’s a bit incontinent and has to relieve himself in every dark corner he finds. Indian history is entwined with the smell of ammonia.

7. Indians have no concept of personal space

You know that they are often overfriendly, but that’s only because they’re such a warm, hospitable people. They open their hearts, houses and lunch boxes to you. You know that if you open your mind in return, you’ll never feel violated.

And then, after feeding you, the family you met on the train treats you like a waxwork – each member poses with you for a souvenir photograph.

8. Indians speak a funny English

Not at all. You’ve read Chillibreeze.com, Seth, Roy… you know it’s funny only if it’s intended to be.

And then a national English newspaper carries a photograph of a family looking out across Taj Mahal with the caption: “A family watches the lawns of Taj Mahal”. A feature in the same paper shows complete (and often ungrammatical) disrespect for the power of the phrase “he says”. A person quoted goes through every shade of human expression: “he asserts”, “he opines”, “he believes”, “he informs” and best of all: “he feels”. As in: “India is a beautiful country,” he feels.

9. India is cheap

Everybody knows that.

And then you move here and pay $20,000 for a car with no handling, no legroom, no bootspace, no leather and no style. Oh, and practically no engine. Soon after, looking at the traffic, you realise you need a
chauffeur. Surprise surprise, a full-time chauffer comes for less
money a month than you'd need for one meal at a decent restaurant.

10. And finally, the biggest myth of them all: India

There’s no such thing. You know it. Indians know it too. There are just too many differences in language and culture. Too many differences over rivers, states and boundaries. The real India is not the one you see when you travel nor the one you read about in your guidebooks. It is somewhere in between.

And then… in spite of all the vexation, the diseases, the myths that squish underfoot… Once you’ve crossed those first dark days, once you’ve flushed the digestive tract 10 times over, once you lose your fear of stray dogs, crowds and mosquito bites, you begin to realize, there is an India under all this. An India that is common across the land, across all the people in it. Because India is inside you. India is that love for a grainy, gritty immediateness to life that makes living worthwhile.

A bungee jump lasts a few seconds. India is yours for a lifetime.

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—About our writer:

Gautam Raja is a writer and freelance journalist
based in Bangalore. He writes plays, feature stories and essays.

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