Cloud Nine: Outsourcing Your Way to Happiness

chillibreeze writer — Satish Babusenan

These days, Swapna Merchant, CEO of Cloud Nine is on just that: cloud nine! The reason is simple. She heads a spanking new company, which has launched what can truly be called ‘the Queen of all Outsourcing’!

The service being provided is, to say the least, unusual: Happiness.

“Happiness is simply neurotransmitters acting in our brains” says Swapna. “It is our Unconscious Mind rewarding us for our good Karma”. Unfortunately, the Unconscious remembers everything we’ve done, not just the good bit. It recalls the lies, liaisons, undercutting and betrayals too. And it punishes. Karma sure is sticky business. If we’ve sinned - and boy, who hasn’t – we’ve had it. Consequence: Unhappiness.

Swapna, an alumnus of the Indian Institute of Management, Bangalore, decided to take this idea off the hook and put it where the action is. The result is ‘Cloud Nine’, dedicated to the fine art of Outsourcing. Henceforth, all one needs to do to be happy, is enroll into a CN program and fill out a list of lust, crime and guilt. Period.

This is how it works. CN allots an exclusive Karma Outsource Person to each client. That employee spends twelve to fourteen hours every day regretting and remedying the misdeeds of the client. Swapna believes that the Indian mind is particularly suited to such rumination, regret and remedy.

The remedies are remarkable too. Remedy 568, for “sending mamma off to bin” involves taking care of an elderly person languishing on the street. Similarly, remedy 276 “for aborting a foetus” involves adopting an orphan. The client only needs to “pay for his sins”, and all from his comfortable home. Hip, isn’t it?

CN sends a monthly100-page dossier of remedial action to the client, which is mandatory reading material. The result, say endorsers, is a dash in top-gear down the Neurotransmitter superhighway!

“We are targeting every need category within the addressable market” says CN’s youthful CEO, beaming. “We’ve tied up with about 5000 NGOs. Thousands of orphanages, homes for the destitute and the elderly are being upgraded. Our service is top quality.”

But these numbers may not be adequate. CN’s client lists are swelling. “It’s a whole new paradigm” says Swapna “A literal War on Error! And we are winning.”

This novel venture gives jobs to over 5 million Indian youth who now earn salaries which run into six figures. Besides, the quality of life of millions of Indians is beginning to soar. Charity and caring have become fashionable in India. “Long live Business Outsourcing!” is the catchphrase everywhere.

And everyone is on cloud nine now, from the busy professional in the developed world to the young Indian and the poor derelict formerly of the street. If this isn’t true Happiness, what is!

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—About our writer:

Satish writes for chillibreeze.

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