It’s not a unique syndrome – the chief income earner is relocated, often overseas, and the spouse – forever afterwards to be doomed to be classified as the “trailing spouse” gives up a satisfying job and a rich, fulfilling life, to go along and make the most of what the new location has to offer. It makes sense economically. If the man (say) brings home the bacon, so to speak, and the wife has a job which “keeps her busy” but which really doesn’t contribute much to the family income, it makes sense for her to resign, pack, and follow. At first, it can really be quite heady and exciting – moving to a new country, getting the children admitted to new schools, fretting over their settling in, setting up house, getting to know the new neighborhood, gradually exploring the new city – like all new experiences, it can be a little scary but fun.
Shweta had always liked change. She would laughingly describe herself as a restless soul who found doing the same thing year after year, boring. She found no comfort in the routine – she relished new challenges and the opportunity to reinvent herself. So when she learned that her husband had been relocated and that they were to move to SE Asia, she decided to be completely positive about it. Despite the fact that she had just been promoted and finally had her dream job, Shweta vowed to put her family’s needs first. The children would get the opportunity to go to international schools and her husband’s career was going from strength to strength. She also told herself that it would ultimately prove to be a huge learning experience for her too.
At first, it was fun. Shweta had more free time than she’d had in years and enjoyed the luxury of relaxed breakfasts, catching up on TV shows, reading to her heart’s pleasure, meeting friends for lunch or a movie….It was only when she found herself nodding understandingly when a friend proudly proclaimed – “I do all my cooking in the morning, and by 10.00 am, my house is spotless” that it suddenly dawned on her, what her life had become. From being the sort of person who was at her desk before 8.30, had checked and responded to all her e-mails and had had a meeting or two and possibly taken decisions that affected scores of people before 10.00 am, she was living the life of a person who’s proudest achievement was a clean kitchen or a tidy home by 10.00 am!
Shweta realized that she’d allowed herself to become exactly the sort of woman she’d always viewed with derision – the “let’s do lunch” brigade as she and her friends used to mockingly refer to them. She’d made wonderful new friends and was enjoying discovering the new city that she was learning to call ‘home’, but along the way, she’d lost her drive. She had convinced herself that she had a fulfilling life, one in which the only decisions she took were about her household and the only work she did was at the gym. She wondered if she’d ever again be able to lead a meeting, work towards achieving a target, or even meet a deadline.
That’s when frustration set in. Shweta had started looking for a job within a few months of moving, as soon as she felt ‘settled’. But unfortunately, she didn’t have the requisite qualifications or background to work in her adopted country. At home, she had joined her company at the bottom of the ladder and had worked her way up – impressing her superiors and getting promoted year after year. But now, having resigned in order to follow her husband and children she realized that she had eroded the value of all those years of hard work.
Fortunately, Shweta’s story does not end unhappily. She decided to take on ad hoc work in her field, because she was determined to keep in touch and to keep learning. She still “does lunch” but she does it with enjoyment and no sense of guilt or self loathing, for she knows that when the time comes, she can and will go back to being the woman she remembers being.
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