Understanding Asexuality

chillibreeze writer — Shilpa Mehra

Freud got it wrong. Sex drive is NOT the primary motivating force for the human race.
Not convinced? Sample these feelings:
- I cringe when it begins to get beyond a cuddle, hug and kiss in bed
- I'm fine with love, romance and all its trappings but that baby-suit romp with another assembly-line biological unit of the homo sapien race scares me

These are the feelings of 'cleavage people' caught between a world of gays and straights. The Asexuals. Nope, their feelings are not about celibacy (self-imposed, religion-sparked or otherwise) but about the absence of sexual attraction or the absence of desire to act upon such attractions. Don't confuse that with frigidity either.
Muddled?
Riddhima Kapoor, 26, is a closeted asexual. She has the same emotional needs as everybody else and similar intimate relationships as well. But she's a virgin, and will remain thus till her dying day. She's not alone. At least one in every 100 people has absolutely no interest in sex, according to a study conducted by Anthony Bogaert, a psychologist and human sexuality expert at Brock University in St. Catherines, Ontario, published in The Journal of Sex Research and the New Scientist. A 1994 survey, published by The University of Chicago Press, found that 13 per cent of 3,500 respondents in the reproductive age-group had no sex in the past year. Forty per cent of these people said they were 'extremely happy' or 'very happy' with their lives.

"There's nothing about sex that justifies its big energy investment. It's like coffee-you like it or you don't," asserts Suneil Anand, a Lucknowite who owns a travel company.

"Call us human amoeba. But asexual isn't sexless. I view sex as something very positive and beautiful but do not wish to participate in it… at least not beyond sleeping nude next to a loved one and cuddling. I am ambitious. There's so much else to put my energies to. That doesn't mean I am not attracted to women. My girlfriend is straight and it doesn't bother me. She understands me. That matters. We strike the balance between our needs. I confess I may choose to masturbate when I feel like it."

"Some people who are asexual do masturbate yet, others don't. Actually the only consistent defining characteristic of asexuality is that people who are asexual have no sexual attraction to other people and do not desire to engage in sexual activities with others," says David Jay of AVEN (Asexuality Visibility & Education Network-asexuality.org).

"Don't confuse this with lack of sexual arousal as a health problem," says psychiatrist Mala Singh. "Asexuality is a personality orientation. Some asexuals lead solitary lives. Others form deep bonds. You cannot define them. Many asexuals may just be too focused on something like a career, spirituality or a hobby that may be giving them the same gratification and sense of catharsis as sex. But we have this big circus going on about sex in the mass media and our social set-up so, several asexuals who do marry, enter into a fully sexual relationship with their partners for the sake of their love. They may not be comfortable at all about going beyond a certain level of physical intimacy but they do it for social sanction."

She adds, "Asexuality is an emerging orientation. Sometimes, it may have been triggered by child abuse or physical assault, memories of which linger in the individual's subconscious, but that's not the case always. We need more research on this subject. In Europe, activists have already started campaigning to promote awareness and acceptance of asexuality."

AVEN, in its FAQ, states, "Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better. Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else. They dress the same, behave the same and feel the same. Actually, sexual or nonsexual, all relationships are made up of the same basic stuff of communication, closeness, fun, humour, excitement and trust. The only difference is that unlike sexual people, asexual people don't do 'that'. Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in a nonsexual relationship can be equally challenging, only free of sexual expectations."

"Most people registered on AVEN have been asexual for our entire lives. Just as people will rarely and unexpectedly go from being straight to gay, asexual people will rarely and unexpectedly become sexual or vice versa. Another small minority will think of themselves as asexual for a brief period of time while exploring and questioning their own sexuality," states the site. Guess it's like not being turned on or being turned on but still not being bothered enough to do anything about it.

Now, that may not sound normal to many of us but then, what IS normal?
P.S. Ex-World Chess Champion and one of the greatest chess players ever, Robert James Fischer said, "Chess is better than sex".

"The recent Supreme Court decision to make sexual dissatisfaction a valid ground for divorce is a welcome one. Look! Some people are just not made for it and it doesn't seem proper that they should continue to suffer for something they don't want. Yes, you can say the pain is similar for someone who is gay or, someone who's a left-handed person and is caught in a right-handed world. No great issues, just personal choices," says Nishith, 45.

"Not all young single people are asexual but if you are then, you have the right to live your way without being forced to hook-up with people whose needs don't match yours. If the Kamasutra is redundant for us, does it mean we're abnormal? Not at all."

CONNECTIONS MORE

THE PHOENIX
The priests of the Sun God Ra at the temple in Heliopolis maintained an eternal flame. It was said that the phoenix, a mythical gold-and-crimson-coloured eagle that lived for 500 years and subsisted on frankincense and myrrh, immolated itself on that flame when it was time for it to die. Its child would be born from its ashes. As only one phoenix lived at one time, the bird was asexual, but its asexuality gave it unusual mastery over longevity and reproduction.

VIRAGO
A virago according to Greek philosophy was a religious woman who, through a profound purification by fasting and prayer, was able to transcend her sex and limits of her gender to become a passionless, spirit-filled, miracle-working source of life and holiness, a subset of an 'embodied angel'. A virago was an honorary male, uni-sexed and most often virginal. Becoming a virago through the strictest limitations on one's body, allowed a woman to temporarily escape the often-brutal life of marriage and children. The virile woman model in ancient Greece was Athene, the daughter born not from the womb of the mother, but from the head of the father. Athene is the model of the virago who must deny her femininity, hiding behind the head of the Gorgon, known as the Aegis. Athene is the armed goddess, the goddess of the citadel. Athene is asexual. Her opposing polarity in Greek myth is Aphrodite.

This idea holds a deeper meaning in Greek myth. Women are Genos Gynaikon, not of the race of humans per se, but of the race of women. In Athenian myth, the Athenian citizen (who is male) is not born from his mortal mother, but born out of the earth of Attica itself, (Ge or Gaia), through the autochthonous myth of Erichthonios. An asexual social concept.

PURUSHARTHAS
Hindu philosophy speaks of four purusharthas: dharma, artha, kama and moksha. Ancient Indian scriptures held that sexually man is required to move through four stages. These are auto sexuality (age 0-7), homosexuality (age 7-14), heterosexuality (age 14-42) and asexuality from then onwards.
Unlike physical aging, the sexual stages depend upon us, but this is the pattern that nature wanted to follow. At 42, man's obsession for sex will leave him. He may still have sex but he will be detached. He will have attained a natural celibacy. At this stage his spiritual attainment too, will reach its climax, because he is evolved in every way.

FASHION
Unisex clothing was a natural progression from changes in both women's and men's roles in society. When looking ahead many fashion designers predicted that people would wear unisex clothing in the future and ever since the 1960s it has been a valid look for both men and women. Some women began to wear men's jeans and t-shirts in the late 1950s. In the 1960s, jeans became a growing cult and by the end of the decade this look was widespread. With men growing their hair long and females with boyish figures, it became difficult to distinguish a boy from a girl in the 60s. Mass manufacturing of clothing meant it was possible for couples to walk around in exactly the same outfits. Both boys and girls wore long hair, headbands, worn out jeans and sloppy casual outfits.
Many adults feared that the gender switches of the young would bring about a rise in homosexuality. Not so, said the younger generation: It's just that we talk about it more openly.

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—About our writer:

Shilpa says, "Disappointed at the syringe not drawing ink at my first blood test I, nevertheless, graduated to become a print journalist. Went through the grind, evolved to become features editor with a leading national daily and 15 years later, have ducked from the newspaper world to travel, explore lifestyles, trends, yoga, new age subjects like past life regression therapy, aura healing etc, travel, creative-writing, language learning, teaching English, Spanish and journalism. Still, time enough to prove, the blood test was wrong. My alter-ego is an obsessive inter-galactic professional chess player and crawl-by-night bookworm."

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