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Expectations of a New Mother
Watching my son make a mess of onion and potato peels in the kitchen, I can’t help but think - did I ever imagine I’d be doing this? ‘This’, however, is a game for us now… a way to keep Tarosh occupied while I’m desperately trying to make us a quick dinner. The potato-onion mix up lasts a good half hour before he switches his attention to clanging pots and pretending to be my sous-chef. Looking back, I was never your typical “I-can’t-wait-to-be-a-mom” kind of woman. Reaching out for a baby, cooing and cuddling, or playing with kids was certainly not ‘me’ and it astonishes me at times to see myself now as I pick up after Tarosh. A few months into our marriage Ravi, my husband, and I would seriously wonder if we would have kids and if we would even be able to fix him/her a wholesome home-cooked meal. Our life at that time was all about no breakfasts, a quick grab of junk food for lunch, and a rushed takeout dinner. The responsibilities of motherhood seemed overwhelming, given our lifestyles. However, with my biological clock ticking away, we decided to have a baby. While expecting Tarosh, I figured I’d be a cool power-mom - one who, in my dictionary, would have kids, manage them beautifully, work my job and give it my all. You know, have it all. I was also grateful that my company gave me a year off after the baby was born. It surely would give me time to take care of the baby, get him settled in day-care, hire a nanny for when he was not in day care, and get right back to work. Sounded like a perfect plan to me - or so I thought! Tarosh arrived on the 23rd of August 2008 – a tiny, helpless, and wailing little bundle. It was a sobering experience for me for reality truly hit home. I was sleep-deprived while everyone kept reminding me to feed him every 2 hours. In a few days I really wondered what on earth I had brought upon myself. Surely this can’t be! The baby magic was supposed to make you feel thrilled and bask in amazement, marvel at him, and enjoy everyone saying how beautiful and cute he was. Instead, here I was desperately wishing I could have my old life back! Thank goodness I got to meet women who understood exactly what I was experiencing and who helped me through those first few weeks after I gave birth. As I slowly connected with my little son, I began to understand how little I knew of myself and how much I could still surprise myself. The love I felt for him was different from what I felt for anyone else. Everything in my world started to have a ‘baby angle’. I started putting his needs first and that was the true awakening to parenthood. ‘We’ and ‘me’ took the back seat - and it was okay. As months passed, the niggling question I needed to sort out was ‘what about my return to work?’ I kept pushing it to the back of my mind saying it will all work out. But as that leave year started to close in, I was in a state of confusion – my heart could not bear to see my little one ‘raised’ by a nanny or be put in day-care, while at the same time I so did want to make it as a perfect working mother. Finally, not being able to convince myself anymore, I admitted that I just could not be both. I had fallen in love with this li’l fella and wanted to be around when he reached his milestones – his first steps, first words…you get the idea. I imagine no mother is entirely happy with her situation and I guess we make our peace with our chosen path. Working women worry about kids being left alone at day-care or with a fulltime nanny and stay-at-home moms can feel isolated, longing for conversation that stimulates the mind. A stay at home mum’s antidote to being isolated from the world is to try and get out of the house. No mean task this, with an 18 month old who says ‘no’ with great authority. Notwithstanding all the drama my son brings to the table, there are so many times I find myself caught grinning silly mulling over something that’s really nothing. These moments make up for the potty training disasters, teething headaches, diaper changing, baths, reading the same book 100 times while yawning in my head and trying to sip my cuppa tea in peace without his hand trying to grab at what mama’s sipping . The gains of shared uninhibited laughter when monkeying around, the delightful kisses-on-demand, the boogying around to music, the sound of him saying ‘mama’, the playful tele-talk, and so much more has taught me that whatever I expected of motherhood, it is these moments that fill my life and make it memorable. The road we choose can lead us to different challenges and I’ve learned that being open and flexible helps me through all the unexpected twists and turns each day brings.
Chillibreeze's disclaimer: This is a contributed article and was published on Chillibreeze in March, 2010. The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author(s) and do not reflect the views of Chillibreeze as a company. Chillibreeze has a strict anti-plagiarism policy. Please contact us to report any copyright issues related to this article. The relevance of the facts and figures cited (if any) could change after a period of time.
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