HR Practices: Why it is Useful to be Myopic

chillibreeze writer — Scorpion

Managing Talent in India's Outsourcing Industry

I have, over the years developed a rather sanguine opinion that short– term requirements best suit the needs of my firm. The shorter the better. Conversely, the longer it is – the more the misery one would innocently (I have had the pleasure of knowing people who do it deliberately) inflict upon the poorly evolved brains. Just to highlight the case in point, I will share with you an incident from the recent past.

They say that my firm is ISO 9000 + n (you may substitute n with as many integers as you wish and my firm has it all). Don't ask me what that is; I can't figure it out either. But I have pieced together a plausible explanation for the same. A group of bored Europeans had a drink too many and decided to play a prank on the corporate world. This prank came to be known as ISO 9000; probably so named because of the number of beers that were consumed that night. The phrase "ISO" is either an unintelligible phrase or possibly one of the four hundred (that was my fabrication) European slang meaning "Is that my beer?" The inebriated Europeans contended that any such silly– ass technique could become an international craze as long as they kept a straight face when telling people about it. Anyways, time has proved those pranksters right – every conceivable institution worthy of mention instituted various measures to be "ISO" compliant. If you aren't ISO 9000 compliant, they reasoned, who knows what you're doing with all that spare time?

Well, part of the requirement is to have a functional HR cell. So is it in my firm as well. At some point in time every year the HR cell goes into an overdrive (typically a few relevant months of the year when confidential reports are reviewed) and it was one such season. The HR honchos put on their thinking caps and decided to work on something. Maybe redefine the 'mission statement' or maybe the "vision statement" or perhaps place a few nice looking boards inscribed with some unintelligible Sanskrit text (It helps! It makes you look more well read, intelligent and have a higher level of worldly wisdom or savoir faire compared to those other morons in the vicinity – most organizations have one. If yours does not, it is high time you WAKE UP!!!).

It was consciously concluded that any change in the current 'vision statement' would have disastrous implications – in most organizations, the 'vision statement' changes faster than a wimp dropping her panties (completely my fabrication with no co– relation whatsoever); purely for want of something to do. All those sweaty guys – you'll find they do it as often as they can – after all; it does make one look very progressive! It was argued that any attempt at changing the vision statement would only deliver the undesirable shaft (considering that the ones in vogue would be the brain child of some Machiavelli higher up in the organizational chain) and would hence be counterproductive (Good progress ain't it? Thinking of productivity and all). I have been given to understand that some retired sadist is already working on alphabets from Greek and Latin (could be any other language but Greek and Latin sounds good) that can be incorporated to keep the men with stunted mental growth occupied. Anyways, the HR honchos finally zeroed in on one of those 'Employee Recognition Programs'.

For your benefit if you are not already fully clear about the dynamics of such programs, let me elucidate how it works. Firstly, there are no recognition programs at the highest levels of our organization. This is a motivating factor for low-level creatures (employees). They know that if they work hard, they have a chance of attaining a seniority level high enough where "recognition" programs don't exist. Recognition programs send an important message to a targeted group, not just the "winners". Specifically, the message is this: "Here's another guy who will not be given the shaft until after we have given you one".

Well, the HR honchos, after much deliberation, decided to institute a ‘worker of the month’ program and quickly discounted that on the grounds that it would be counterproductive since there would be widespread unrest among the working class. After all, most guys don't do much at all and hence there would be heart burn if somebody was made the "Worker of the month" wouldn't it? Therein lay the genesis of a rather unique HR initiative. It was decided that photographs of retiring workers would be positioned in a conspicuous place (in this case, right outside the factory – a vantage point which could be observed by civilian populace on the road outside the gate) – with the usual angreji like "invaluable contribution", "dedication", "Foresight", "Visionary", "distinguished service" etc. (not necessarily in that order) that goes on to describe these caricatures. Well that was – everyone admitted – a brilliant coup by the HR honchos. You had to give it to them – they bagged a lot of numbers, accolades and many of them benefited from one of the many programs that are being run by my organization. Other determined departments of our firm (marketing, sales, finance etc.) were not to be left behind – most of the "smart" varieties have a penchant to smell gold like the gold diggers of the Americas in the bygone era. Everyone decided to reap a part of the rich harvest – one of them undertook positioning a lamp so that the photographs could be seen at night; one of them seized the opportunity and incorporated an element of horticulture around the area; one of them voluntarily undertook the task of positioning a shade so that the photographs don't get drenched in the then forthcoming monsoons (that was still a while away) – bravo! – all those noteworthy traits were on display – initiative, creativity, foresight, exemplary – to name a few. Brilliant! Fit all those rats into one of the many programs being run by the firm. Everyone walked back home with a smug smile of satisfaction on his face. But that was not the end of it.

A couple of months had elapsed since the initiative was set in motion. Whilst the other departments were vigorously working on cashing in on the windfall, the HR honchos were at it again – it was time to improvise and shift gears. The issue under consideration this time was the system of pay disbursement to the workers. It was seen that most of the workers had borrowed large amounts of money at heinous rates from Pathans (incidentally, it might be of interest to note that these thugs were officially given license to lend money by Shri Morarji Desai in the late 50s/ early 60s). Towards the pay day, one will certainly sight these Pathans (with a few bouncers) outside the gate, waiting to relieve the workers of their hard(ly) earned pay. With the residual pay it was seen that the workers sought temporary relief in hic – liquor; resulting in women folk protesting against the misdemeanors of their better (are they?) halves. The system of handing over the pay to the women miserably failed – for Pathans vanished and Pathanis appeared overnight.

Once again, the HR honchos had a perfect solution – send their pay to the bank. A brilliant initiative! As part of that drive, over 1000 workers were made to open bank accounts and pay disbursement to bank was initiated – excellent. The only physical money that was handed over to these guys was their due at the time of retirement. Words of praise followed (by those languorous predators who were lying in wait to see the outcome of the initiative before deciding which way to swing); lot of commendations, accolades conferred – well done everybody.

Another month went by. I was walking with one of the many guys who were the mastermind behind the first initiative. Much to his chagrin, he noticed that there were but a few photographs on the retirement wall, although it was known that more than three times as many were due to retire that month. It was therefore, not without concern that he caught hold of one of the lower rung employees who happened to pass by and check with him (might be there was some more mileage to be derived from it). What that man said stumped him enough that he made the quickest exit I have witnessed to date :–

“Patha nahin Saab, kon bewakuf ne yeh idea nikala. Abhi bahar jo pathan hai – usko ek mahina pehle patha chal jatha hai kon retire ho raha hai aur poora wasool kar letha hai.”

(I don’t not know sir, which fools came up with this idea. These days, the pathans who wait outside, they get to know who is about to retire a month in advance and they make sure they get their money back.)

I trust I have made my point clear. You definitely need to have a clear perspective on the task at hand and I am quite convinced that it is better to be myopic (Guys in the higher echelons have poor eyesight anyway). If you decide to choose the Machiavellian 'long–term' path, use some software/language which can be modified only by you (like retaining the source code). There are a few who have made it up the ladder holding on to the source code (not that giving it away would have made much difference; however, it serves as a value addition and perhaps gives a certain amount of gratification) and talking obscure technical jargon which most of us would not have understood anyway.

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Scorpion says, "A seafarer by profession. The game of bridge and the seas hold my fascination. I believe that the only easy day was yesterday..."

HR Practices: Why it is Useful to be Myopic

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