The Modern Indian Marriage

chillibreeze writer — Adwait J

Summer is over and so is this year’s wedding season but I am quite sure you've been to at least one wedding this summer. Over the weekend, I left town to attend a wedding. Both the bride and groom were second-generation Indian-Americans, born and raised in the United States. Both were well educated professionals in their late 20s but surprisingly, both decided on an arranged marriage. But this was not the type of arranged marriage that has been taking place in India for decades. The bride and groom both chose this method of marriage and had a significant say in the selecting their partner.

Arranged marriages
The arranged marriages most of us are familiar with are those of our parents. Most of such marriages were decided by their parents or in their absence, by an elder in the family. The marriage process starts with finding a good astrologer who doubles as a matchmaker. The goal of the marriage is simple – to keep the family name going – and supersedes other desires of individual happiness. An additional factor in such marriages is making sure that the marriage is made within your caste, giving vocation or physical appearance secondary importance. The final aspect of such marriages is that it relieves parents of their final duty in raising their children.

The psychological paradigm of one entering an arranged marriage is interesting. Many in the western world find the concept of marrying a stranger unthinkable. However, others argue that any marriage is a compromise because you can never know somebody well enough. Elders would advise that at first the husband or the wife will experience many difficulties adjusting to their partner but as they grow to know each other, they would fall in love and the relationship would mature over time, acquiring depth and fondness.

As romantic as this sounds, however, arranged marriages have some disadvantages as well. Individuals have just as many similarities as dissimilarities which can be intrinsic or extrinsic. Meaning, that while we are born with some personality traits, other traits are learned from our environment. Herein lies one of the flaws of arranged marriages. Because you can be from the same city, speak the same language, have the same religion and caste and yet be polar opposites. You may have different ambitions, different understanding of personal freedom, different understanding of managing finances or raising children. While this is a short list, it is crucial that both partners share these views for a stable and happy marriage. In arranged marriages, these traits and idiosyncrasies are camouflaged, only to resurface later, often with unfortunate results.

Love marriages
On the other end of the spectrum is what Indians commonly refer to as a “love” marriage since in this case, love precedes marriage. This type of marriage is preceded with a courtship that can last anywhere from a few weeks to years. The entire purpose of courtship, as with marriages in the West, is to asses your compatibility with another person with the intention of marriage. In the distant past, courtship took place at the woman’s house under the supervision of her parents. The woman entertained the gentleman by playing the piano, reciting poetry or some other activity. For those who didn’t have fancy houses to entertain, the meeting was done in a public place such as a park, town center, or a cafe. This rendezvous or appointment was considered a date and was part of the courtship.

In today’s day and age, nobody refers to the process of finding your mate as courtship. It is only referred to as dating. Roughly speaking, there are three steps to go from single to married with this method.

The first step is to woo or attract the other person. As a man, the first step requires that you are confident, outgoing and comfortable with putting yourself out there. Whereas for a woman, it’s the ability to subtly drop hints that you are single and want to be asked out.

The second step is to get from “I like you” to “I love you”. In an arranged marriage, this seems like a small deal since the marriage is based on liking an individual and not necessarily love. As simple as this may seem it is probably the most confusing part.

The third step is to seal the deal by giving or getting an engagement ring. The third step requires that both parties are happy with their personal growth and are truly ready to commit to the other person. For men, it declares their official end of bachelorhood. For women, asking for the ring can prove fatal to the relationship, while at the same time necessary to know when they are their boyfriend’s priority list.

Modern arranged marriage
Nowadays in India, most people seem to prefer love marriages to arranged ones. However, there are quite a few individuals that, under certain circumstances, prefer the structure and intent of an arranged marriage, but still want the ownership of a love marriage. For instance, they may not have had the time to date members of the opposite sex because they were preoccupied with their education and careers. Or, they may have struggled to find like-minded individuals when they did date!

Pooja and Rohit, the bride and groom from my weekend wedding trip, were typical of those choosing a modern arranged marriage. They were both settled in their careers as doctors and were looking for a partner. For Rohit, the traditional search for a bride had not turned out too well. He had looked at multiple proposals to no avail and Pooja was frustrated with the lack of commitment from her dates. Both enlisted the help of their family and friends. They had and met each other at an Indian “get-together” and decided to keep in touch. And before you knew it, two years later they decided to get married. There you have it – the modern Indian marriage!

Chillibreeze's disclaimer: This is a contributed article and was published on Chillibreeze in February, 2010. The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author(s) and do not reflect the views of Chillibreeze as a company. Chillibreeze has a strict anti-plagiarism policy. Please contact us to report any copyright issues related to this article. The relevance of the facts and figures cited (if any) could change after a period of time.

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Adwait writes for chillibreeze.

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