As the second baby arrives, feelings of insecurity and envy may arise in the older child. This is understandable! Imagine being the center of attention in your parents’ life and suddenly having to share all that attention with someone else. Children are very sensitive and are often confused and traumatized at the arrival of a sibling till they learn to adjust.
Parents need to exercise great care to help the older child adapt to the new family dyamic. You don’t want them to feel resentful but you also don’t want them to feel that they can indulge in cute emotional blackmail either! Tender loving care is essential but by itself is not a panacea. A bit of forethought and application of basic child psychology works wonders to help your child (and you) cope with the situation.
First, take a deep breath and relax. You CAN do this. Make sure that the atmosphere in your home is happy and cheerful. Your child may send out contradictory signals but rest assured that she understands everything. At times, you may appear stressed due to your preoccupation or when she accidently hurts the baby – this may make the older child feel guilty. But by keeping a cheerful - ‘I am on top of things’ façade, not only will you end up psyching yourself positively but your affability will make your toddler less defensive and more amenable to the younger sibling. Try the following suggestions:
Acquaint your older child with his/her sibling even before the latter is born! You may, while conversing with your older child, begin to discuss the new baby. Talk about your growing belly and the little baby in it; the baby’s little hands and feet, tiny fingers, the closed eyes. This prepares her gradually for the new arrival. Do not set unreal expectations about a fun pal coming along to play with the older child - that would only leave her disappointed when she actually meets the baby who does nothing but feed, sleep, and cry.
Ease the transition for your child by using sentences like ‘this is your baby sister and you are the elder sister’. This way, you immediately give the toddler a feeling of importance (of being older) and an identity to adopt and enjoy. Once the older child knows her place in the changed family dynamic, it’s easier for her to deal with the new situation. Reinforcing the idea that the baby is ‘her’ little sister gives a fillip to her sense of personal worth and her feelings of insecurity will slowly begin to wane. Over time, she will begin to get protective of the baby as well.
Teach the elder child how to be around the baby. Speak with her, show her. By listening to you and by observing you the older one is sure to distinguish the gentle touch from the rough one. While coaching the child, instead of saying ‘don’t pull baby’s hair’ or ‘don’t touch baby’s eyes’, try saying, ‘let’s gently pat the baby’s chest’ or ‘let’s coo to her and watch her smile’. A positive approach is preferred, as incessant ‘don’ts, no’s and stops’ make children more aggressive and resentful.
Include the older child in the activities involving the baby. Make your first born an active participant. She would be delighted to fetch the baby’s diapers, creams, and clothes when required. A careful sibling may even be allowed to assist with a baby’s back massage or a sprinkling of powder during nappy changes. Praise lavishly when she does well. If the older child does not feel comfortable in doing these things, it would do no harm to allow and encourage her to stand close by and watch. Speak to both of them as you carry on your work with the baby.
Communicate. Many a mother has shrieked when she found her elder child pulling the baby’s arms and legs, or when she found her baby squashed under her older child or hidden under a pillow. As you urgently stop your older child from the tugging, squashing and the pillowing, do not forget to ask what happened. It might melt your heart to hear that she ‘wanted to bring baby close to her’, ‘was giving her a hug’, ‘was playing hide and seek’. Applaud her intentions while carefully explaining and showing to her the gentler ways of hugging a baby or simply promise her that each time she wants the baby close to her or wants to cuddle it, she must call you and that you will assist her. Alternately if the child expresses resentment towards the baby, (‘I don’t want baby’, ‘baby is bad’…) do not admonish. Understand that it’s the injured sentiment of a little child that is speaking out. Salve it by letting her know you understand (though things are the not like they used to be, but that you will try and play peek-a-boo more often with her) and that you love her plenty (along with big bear hugs and kisses).
As you monitor the siblings you might come across instances where the older child may try to hit the baby (sometimes simply to watch the baby’s response and/or to watch your response) - it’s normal. Quickly distract the elder one with toys, songs, food before she strikes the baby. If it is not possible to distract soon enough, immediately take the baby away from the older child, before the clueless baby is struck. If hit, comfort and cuddle the startled baby first and inform the older child firmly, that rough behavior is not acceptable. It is otherwise not advisable to leave children who have not reached one year of age unattended in the company of older children.
Keep your toddler busy. Make sure she is not a bored neglected toddler. Schools, parks, indoor activities (with family members), play dates and lots of fun time with mom and dad will not leave her much time, energy or even reason for resenting the second baby. Add to it lavish praise each time that she is gentle and friendly with the baby and you will have the perfect happy child.
Role Model what behaviors you’d like to see - Children watch you more closely than you think. Be careful at all times about each thing you do around your new baby as your seemingly oblivious older child is subconsciously assimilating and learning from every little thing you do. Meanwhile, do not make the mistake of making comparisons between your children - ever. Even casual comparisons of weight, height or colour can be construed as criticism and may cause feelings of inadequacy and resentment.
Having little kids can be the most enjoyable part of one’s life. The few teething problems which accompany the arrival of a second child should not discourage parents. Adopt the above strategies to your home environment and enjoy your kids. All the best.
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—About our writer:
Aarti Pathak is a professor of Economics, freelance writer and a travel enthusiast. Her literary works been published in several leading books and magazines.
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