Life seemed like an endless trail of failures to Abhinav Agnihotri, who at 30 had lost five jobs and several girlfriends due to one reason that had plagued him since his childhood: his unpleasant temperament.
On the outside, Abhinav seemed a regular young man who was able to crack corporate interviews with ease and get remunerative jobs with top corporate brands. But he lost them as quickly as he got them. The reason: he couldn’t control his temper and flew off the handle at the smallest provocation from anyone, including his supervisors.
His romantic relationships suffered a similar fate. After all, how long could he pretend to be Prince Charming with the pretty girls that he wooed with so much difficulty? His real self would be out after any relationship lasted beyond a few months and the girl would be shocked by his unexpected change of demeanor.
His mother, who was worried about her son’s failing career, decided to seek medical attention for him in the hope of finding a solution to this odd problem. A detailed analysis of past experiences, private emotions and personality traits by a psychologist revealed a common culprit behind Abhinav’s angry nature: low self-esteem.
Anger, which is considered an uncivilized and immature response to frustration, threat, pain or loss in modern society, is actually something that nature has designed to aid humans in their physical survival. Anger is a powerful rush of feelings that emerge as a response to a physical or psychological threat, frustration, violation or loss.
Anger prepares the body for response by making blood flow to the hands (making it easier to grasp a weapon), increasing the heart rate and generating a pulse of energy strong enough for vigorous action. Such an emotion used to be indispensable for survival in human prehistory and could make all the difference between survival and death. This is the reason this emotion is so strongly etched in our systems.
The reality of modern living, however, is that there aren’t so many threats to our survival anymore (unless one lives in a jungle!). The changes due to civilization in the world have happened quite rapidly when compared with the slow march of evolution.
Far from being useful, anger has become a problematic emotion in the lives of most people these days. A new trend of increasing recklessness and a surging tide of aggression seems to be taking over our world and filling it with emotional malaise. This is evident in the growing number of depression patients, broken relationships, road rage cases and violence around us.
In Abhinav’s case, his low self-esteem made trivial matters seem like huge challenges, which he felt unequipped to handle. To deal with the perceived psychological threat, he reacted instead with anger, ensuring that others didn’t read how weak he felt on the inside.
An angry person tends to create more unhappiness in his own heart than anyone else’s. This is because you need to create a feeling in your own heart before you can pass it on to anyone else. Once this becomes a habit, the person continues to create disharmony in his/her world and even feels helpless in the face of this whirlpool of negative emotions which spring out of control in the face of life’s problems.
Aristotle once said “Anyone can become angry…that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - this is not easy.”
So how does one become a master of one’s emotions rather than being its slave? It might seem like a complex problem if you have unmanageable anger; but don’t fret! There are plenty of solutions if the intention of becoming a more calm and in-control person is genuine.
As Dr. J.M. Wadhawan, H.O.D. Psychiatry, Sir Gangaram Hospital, New Delhi explains, the reasons for anger may vary from individual to individual. However, the first step towards resolving this issue is the conscious acknowledgement by the individual that s/he has an issue. The cause behind one’s anger may be lack of leisure, lack of relaxation or rest or even, lack of exercise. If the problem seems more deep-rooted, he advocates checking for an underlying mental disease such as anxiety disorder, mood disorder or depression.
Dr. Wadhawan also advises speaking in a low tone instead of allowing yourself to become loud, as that way, you maintain some control over your behavior. Another great strategy is to change your immediate surroundings and get away from the source of provocation so that your mind gets distracted by other thoughts.
None of us can demand that life will never pose any problematic, frustrating or painful situations in front us. The only thing we have in our control is our response to a situation. Decide if you want to give a situation power over yourself or if you want the power to deal with the situation effectively? Remember, getting angry never solves anything, it only makes matters worse.
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—About our writer:
Richa is a commentator on contemporary social issues and lifestyle choices. She has trained corporate professionals for eight years and her interests include art, management, finance and human psychology.
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