After months of bonding with the pulsating life inside you, you hold your minute creation and wonder whether you will be able to cope, to do justice to this tremendous responsibility of bringing up a joyous, positive child or at least of meeting the challenge halfway. The comforting thought is that this is what a million mothers have done before and you will not go way off the mark. You are right. Parenting should be looked upon as an enjoyable experience and not one fraught with responsibility. Here are a few pointers to help you on your way.
Infinite love: This is a quality that comes with the package, and as all of us are aware, no extra effort is needed. If this tremendous, overpowering love is assisted by infinite patience, we are all set to get through the first few crucial months. At times, after the initial euphoria has died down and we are caught up in the routine activities of nappy changing, feeding and the tiring demands on our time, it is natural to feel a little impatient. But this is where we have to cultivate patience. We can take a breather, physically move away from the infant for a little time, relax if we are able to, and then we are ready again. We should never underestimate the power of love and patience, since these two qualities are required forever, at least until we relinquish our parental roles, which, theoretically, is never.
Step back: This one may not be the wisdom of a million mothers, but what a few thinking parents would have done intuitively on occasions. Each baby is an individual with a unique identity not shared with any one on this planet and deserves to be treated as such. It may be difficult in the presence of our overwhelming love to be able to step back at times, but step back we must. This stepping back is another way of looking at the world through our tiny one's eyes. With the very young infants, this does not require much planning or foresight but only the clarity of vision about how each of our actions will impact his potential for a happy future. All we need to do is remember to feel happy around our infant and let him feel the joyous vibrations.
Stepping back when the child is older should be done with more care. We are not speaking of a sense of detachment here but a widening of our outlook to get a perspective so that our actions in relation to the welfare of the present circumstance are always practical and right for that occasion. If a child runs to us with a complaint about a playmate hurting her verbally or physically, we can comfort the child without accusing the playmate and when she has calmed down, we can do some serious discussion, 'Why do you think your friend did this? Do you think it was because he was upset about your not sharing the toy?' and 'Do you think he was hungry and wanted to go home?' The focus then shifts not to the aggrieved child but to the issue of what the cause of the undesirable behavior was. The tension, the anger of the child and possibly the parent, can be addressed by this tactic as children can be distracted easily by thoughtful handling. More importantly, if we continue this practice in similar scenarios in the future, we will impart a valuable lesson to the child and he would gain the wonderful quality of recognizing the other person's point of view.
Anticipate: A lot of conflicts and differences can be avoided if we learn to anticipate. To some parents, it comes naturally, but if it does not, it can be cultivated. Most often, we intuitively know what the child's reaction to a given circumstance will be. We have to work out a strategy to overcome this obstacle before it happens. An often quoted good example would be a scenario where we have to decide the child's clothing for an occasion. We anticipate trouble here and give the choice to the child by laying out 2 or maybe even 3 possible sets of attire, all of which are right for the time. By handing over the choice to him, we make the child feel responsible and happy and avert a major showdown. Here is where we can exercise our ingenuity and avoid most unpleasant occurrences. There are no quick-fixes or solve-all remedies, but the smart parent will always work out a way to stay one step ahead all the time.
Teach: Children imbibe more than they learn from instruction and so we have to behave in a manner worthy of emulating. When we are parents we are under subconscious scrutiny 24x7. Most of us do not realize the impact of our spontaneous and at times unconscious acts on the most impressionable young minds. Before we teach, we have to make sure we are fit enough to impart knowledge. Therefore, we have to learn to be aware at all times. With awareness comes the responsibility to behave in a way we want the child to behave. This is in relation to addressing ourselves as role models.
Besides being an example of emulation, we do have to actively teach too. In addition to the practicalities like brushing the teeth, cleaning oneself scrupulously and so on, there are correct ways of doing many day to day activities. There is enough material published with regard to all these tasks and it is easy to get information if you ever need it. But there are things that you can teach the child that may not have been given enough importance in these articles. Have we ever thought of teaching a child to sleep properly? We can make this a game by lying down with the child and teaching him to relax each and every part of his body and then when he is calm, we can teach him to send a word of thanks to the universe for a wonderful day. Why worry about stress in later life when we have cocooned our child against stressing situations by giving him the know-how to deal with it beforehand?
There are many avenues open to us to teach the child the right values and the most important thing to remember is that these avenues are there from the time the child learns to interact with his surroundings, much earlier than we all think. Values which will give the child an invincible structure to deal with life in the most appropriate way are: honesty, tolerance, courage, compassion, humility, gratitude, self reliance and so on. Integrity is what makes a person stand apart from the crowd and this is a value of utmost importance. Tolerance is the need of the hour and the child should be taught to respect all religions and all differences. It is also important to show him to go beyond the religions and respect the oneness of all. Take the child to the mountains, show him the vast expanse of the sea, let him marvel at the dew drop on a fresh petal and tell him that the creator who created all this, created him too. He would get a perspective about his place in the scheme of things if we relate to the persons, objects, and things he interacts with as a means of inculcating the connectedness. Using the bounties of nature as our canvas, we can create lessons on respecting the various living forms on earth. If we can globalize his outlook by defining the basic unity of spirit encompassing all of life despite their inherent surface differences, we can peacefully let him fly out of our nest when he is ready to do so. Each child is different, as is each parent, and within these guidelines lies a plethora of opportunities for raising a positive child.
Enjoy: Joy is our inherent nature and social conditioning most often smothers this natural spontaneous feeling. Happy parents make for happy children. Though they come with genetic predispositions and preprogrammed characteristics, this soft clay in our hands is ours to fashion into a beautiful creation. A lot of behavior patterns can be taught and assimilated, no matter what the inherited gene says. Joy and optimism can be passed on more than they can be taught. Humor is a powerful tool which can diffuse a lot of trying situations and this can be cultivated. Teaching the child to look at the bright side of things would need parents with happy dispositions themselves. As parents, it will help if we connect to the eternal child within us and then we are on the same platform as our child. We must do things which are fun to both, but the emphasis obviously will be on what is enjoyable to the child. Relaxation is the key here and it is all right to let go sometimes so that we can discover pure joy along with our children.
Love, patience, stepping back, anticipating, teaching and enjoying – these may not encompass the wide spectrum of parental duties, but will serve as pointers on your path. Responsible parenting takes quite a lot of your energy and time and remembering to keep yourselves mentally happy and physically relaxed will ensure a smooth journey. Parenting is a lifelong journey and you are enriched beyond measure as you cruise on, learning to be expansive, joyous and responsible. Then when you are old and wizened, when the wrinkles and the gray hair are your defining features, you can sit back happily with the satisfaction of a job well done. Remember the infinite love and patience you started out with? This is when it comes home to roost and this is when the fine person that you have raised envelops you with these very qualities that are required the most in your advanced age, and you sigh happily, 'Life has indeed come full circle'.
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